Enviro Lunatics | Save Tree Before Saving Child | National Post editorial board: Kill the trees — before they kill us | National Post
Kill the trees – before they kill us
This summer, the National Post editorial board presents readers with a special series of articles on the everyday menaces that may kill or permanently disfigure you.
Earlier this year, a child fell out of tree1 in Regina Beach, a small town in south central Saskatchewan, and broke a leg. In response, CBC News reported on Wednesday, the provincial Ministry of Parks, Culture and Sport is planning to cut the tree down, lest other children suffer similar accidents.
Ontarians were relieved this week to learn that a YouTube video purporting to show a bull shark in Lake Ontario was, in fact, a hoax perpetrated by the Discovery Channel to promote its "Shark Week" programming. Understandably, there had been terror on the beaches. Experts believe the bull shark is responsible for most of the 75 or so annual shark attacks on humans around the world – an unacceptable rate of roughly 10 per billion. Not only that, but bull sharks are notoriously amenable to fresh water. They have been sighted as far up the Mississippi River as St. Louis!
What we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It's a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all. And how do Ontario's politicians react?
This is the correct step. Not only will it prevent this leafy monster from hurting any more children, it will serve as a warning to other trees in the Last Mountain Lake recreational area. The message is clear: Hurt a child, face the chain saw.
In response to the move, a group of naïve tree-hugging locals is effectively blaming the victim – arguing that the occasional accident is no reason to destroy trees that provide shade and natural beauty to the local community. These hysterical people clearly hate children.
"They're trees that we sit on," declared local resident Janey Davies. "Trees that the kids have climbed for five generations that I know of, because we have four of those generations sitting out here."
This sort of blind adherence to the ignorant rites of the past could be used to excuse slavery – or even child sacrifice. Just because previous generations of Canadians lived side by side with these deciduous death machines doesn't mean we must do so.
This isn't northern Westeros. And we're not the Starks. We prostrate ourselves at the altar of safety, not the blood-red weirwood.
According to CBC News, the Ministry of Parks, Culture and Sport conducted a "risk assessment." What right-minded Canadians could possibly argue with those two words? All risk in our society must be axed – literally – through the most ruthless means at our disposal.
Earlier this month, this editorial board advocated the complete closure of Ontario's lakeside beaches in order to safeguard against the possibility – however remote it may be – of shark attacks. But in the context of public safety, what are trees except sharks with leaves instead of dorsal fins?
Destroying this arboreal menace now will be straightforward, because trees have not yet developed sentience, or any means of locomotion. But what if that changes?
The same logic applies: Safety before fun. The goal, too, remains the same: a Canada in which all children spend their summers indoors, in ultra-safe, well-padded, child-proofed, stairway-gated, climate-controlled environments, playing videogames or watching TV under watchful parental supervision – instead of risking their lives climbing trees or frolicking in the lake.
Destroying this arboreal menace now will be straightforward, because trees have not yet developed sentience, or any means of locomotion. But what if that changes? In his novel The Lord of The Rings, J.R.R. Tolkein sketched out a terrifying vision of a society in which the trees come to life as warriors. Maybe Ms. Davies should read it.
Time is scarce, and government resources are limited. But every ordinary Canadian has the weapons, in his shed or garage, to fight for a future in which our children do not have to cringe in terror as they make their way down tree-lined streets. Every axe, every saw, every bottle of kerosene stuffed with a rag and used as a Molotov cocktail can be used to prosecute this fight.
It's the children or the Whomping Willows, Janey Davies. Whose side are you on?
National Post editorial board: Kill the trees — before they kill us | National Post.